Sitting on a make-shift curb in the midst of an old cotton gin, now revamped as a community ground of sorts to facilitate this specific evening, my mind was stirring. The grounds were filled with diverse food suppliers, Damien-Rice-wannabes moodily exerting their musical craft from a rickety stage, a local theatre group trying to gain artistic strength flexing their free voice muscle for local social causes, various back-wood designers with big city prices, and three port-a-potties...such variation in atmosphere…such variation in people.
My legs were tired. I needed to sit down in the very near future. After a wonderful southern plate of food: collard greens, black eyed peas and pimento cheese grits, I finished off my meal with a homemade popsicle made of peaches and basil when off in the distance I saw a nearby curb calling my name. The entertainment was beginning and the only way I could remotely enjoy it was to let that curb support my physical exhaustion. Sitting there, I began to watch people, a favorite activity of mine, and I began analyzing all the different people groups wandering in the courtyard wondering how these mish-mash of adults had come to choose their hairstyles, their clothing, the shoes on their feet, the piercings on various parts of their bodies, there pick of tattoos, etc. Then suddenly, I heard this question in my mind, “What do all of these people have in common?” I thought about it, looked individually at a few more passerbys when the answer came as easily as the question did. “Like me, all of these people want to be significant.” This world opened up to me. It was as if someone put glasses on my face and my blurry vision went to 20/20.
That’s what I’ve been dealing with and I haven’t even seen it. Significance. This of course began leading me down a path of personal questioning that I still haven’t even begun to answer, or don’t even know if I can answer. Not only did it begin to question my personal world, but more so my professional world: acting. Is the acting world a place where you can really find significance? You don’t get applauded for who you truly are, you get applauded for whom you portray. You get praise for your performance, for outwardly putting on a character far beyond what you naturally are. The oddness is that you do find some odd satisfaction and significance in it. We actors drink praise like holy water—thinking in some way it will cure us of every empty well not filled in us. We can’t get enough. But it’s unfortunate that we base our life’s significance on what the praise pots are really filled with: temporary water.
You hear throughout your life from healthy leaders that significance is from the inside out and not vice versa. It’s knowing who you are created to be, and in reality that creation has nothing to do with career. How many careers do you see posted on a tombstone? All you get is your name with two dates balanced with a dash. That dash is like a blink of an eye, but it’s so complicated at times isn’t it? We want that dash to be so much, we want to be ‘something’ huge in that dash. We want to be recognized on the street, loved by all we come in contact with, the best singer in the world, the richest business man there is, another Mother Theresa-but better and more effective...but I can’t help but wonder how one would gain significance in that? It really just seems like popularity.
My dash: that is my stirring right now. I think for some time now, it’s been temporary water, but I need more. I’m desperate for more. And the ‘more’ is only something that can possibly come from asking the director to turn off the spotlight for the time being.
