Act I finale: Zorro, with sword in hand, inflicts three violent indentations on Ramon’s chest. Triune slashes that form one symbol: a “Z”. Each evening seeing this dramatic event performed reminded me of me, a being created in 3: physical, emotional and spiritual. Three parts that make one entity: a human. Three indentations that are there for all the world to see.
Zorro was ten weeks of physical exertion. My ensemble track was a marathon and after the final curtain would fall each evening I would be utterly exhausted. Costume changes with extensive sword fights in addition to climbing what seemed like thousands of stairs added to my body being beaten. Then adding to my daily role, I understudied the role of Ramon who was required to be shirtless for a sizable amount of Act II, one of my greatest insecurities in life. Knowing that, I drastically converted my diet and work-out schedule. After several weeks I found myself 15 pounds the lesser and two pant sizes smaller, arriving at a semi-comfortable place to bare my skin. Nonetheless, I was still apprehensive and timid.
Zorro was also ten weeks of emotional exertion. I’m a sensitive person; it’s the way I have always been and I would never want to be independent from that attribute , but when I am physically exhausted, my sensitivity heightens. Let’s add a book to my heightened sensitivity: Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. It’s a map to treasure. I would highly recommend it to anyone, especially theatre artists, because we hide, we numb, and we have little or no clue that we are even broken. The book pricked my skin. I’m still trying to digest major points discussed, in that it’s grueling to examine your brokenness and shake hands with the pain, heartache and dysfunctional life system we operate out of. Ms. Brown’s key word: vulnerability, is something we all fear to participate and engage in, but the greatest requisite to connection with others-which is why we are on this earth, to connect. I started practicing vulnerability more with a coffee-bean-sized courage. Scary and freeing congruently. I also, with the same coffee bean, began taking more initiative to ask for help. This isn’t an easy practice for me, but a necessary one. Without fail, my faithfuls around me dove in head first for support.
Most importantly Zorro put me back into the spiritual practices of meditation, prayer and unconditional love. Taking a truth and meditating on the words that bring life and resilience to my spirit, was the greatest of sustainers for this time period. The phrase that became my cornerstone, “Be still” accompanied my times of silence and stillness. It’s remarkable how quietness authorizes your heart to be heard. In the silent moments I received revelation of many of my numbing distractions: Facebook, Instagram, Books, iPhones, unhealthy vulnerability-vices that steal my true connection to my God and to the beautiful creations He put around me. This lead to another disarming moment, the notion that one can’t really love God or others properly without loving oneself. I still need a flashlight in this cave. I’ve never loved myself because I’ve faithfully carried the boulder of false humility on my back, the dictated lesson of my childhood legalism teachings. Yet, loving yourself in a proper healthy way is the crux of truly connecting and loving beyond yourself. Brene Brown would call this worthiness, Brennan Manning/Henri Nouwen would call it being the Beloved, and I through frustration and disdain called it necessary to attempt. I’m now commencing that attempt.
The environment you cultivate within you is the environment you cultivate around you. Daring greatly means that as you stand dead center in the colosseum, blood on your hands, dirt on your face, you know you are fighting to live life rightly. You’ve taken the extreme step to gird yourself with whatever courage you can muster and walk unrepentantly in front of the crowds that jeer and mock. But you have the determination to not only truly live, but to live wholly.
I’ve stepped into the arena. I can’t exit...not now. With indentations on my chest, scars on my body, taunting names in my ear, my triunity being challenged at ever turn, I know this is the only chance for survival, sanity and life.
